Homeless

This is a Queens bound, local 4 train.

The next stop is 14th street, union square.

Stand clear of the closing doors please.

Ding dong

Screeching

thunk thunk, thunk thunk

Attention everyone. I’m sorry to bother you. I’m homeless. I’m looking for something to eat.

Can anyone spare a dollar? I’m looking for something to eat.

Please. A single dollar. I only want one dollar. I have not eaten this week.

A bottle of water? Loose change? Please. I think I am starving. I am in constant pain. I am sorry to bother you.

The hunger isn’t the worst of it. Neither is the lack of sleep, the freezing December wind, or the sores on my body. It’s the psychological anguish. The regret in the sunken eyes I see staring back at me in the reflection of every subway train window.

I can’t help but feel that where I ended up in this world is all my fault. I know you people look at me and think the same.

I realized recently that my regret is what stops me from anger. I had a family. My parents loved me. My teachers told me I was smart. Gifted, even.

I’m here begging for a dollar, as if I failed in society, but really, society failed me. And you might look at me thinking, ‘I know who you are. You have mental illness. You have a drug problem. You are to blame.’ To which I say: You know nothing about me or how I got here. And here is the reality, it could happen to you too.

You think that your retirement fund is going to save you? Your insurance? You think you’re fulfilling your social contract? That society will give you a security net? How fragile is the house of cards you put your faith in.

What will happen to you if the dollar becomes worthless? What happens when all the jobs dissolve into the A.I. machine? You think you’re going to band together? You can’t even spare me a single dollar.

If you won’t give me money then at least give me your eyes. Don’t look down. Don’t turn away. Acknowledge my existence! Otherwise, I’m going to get angry. I’m going to stop blaming myself. I’m going to blame you people! You people who build the drills that rape the earth or the bombs that eviscerate starving children.

And why am I the one wracked with regret? I am guiltless before my Creator! And what will you say on the day of judgement? You people who don’t believe in God. You who don’t believe anything! Anything but the markets. Or in USD and debt and quantitative easing. You believe in sex and alcohol and adderall and wintering in Florida and skiing in Breckenridge and Osaka and running marathons and instagram and substack and cyber monday and Sushi Noz.

You’re afraid of reality!

It is said that man does not live on bread alone. But I do not have even bread, yet I am still living. I am realizing right now, in this very moment, that I should not shy away from the man in the mirror. I always lived according to my values. I did my very best with what I had. You may be unable to confirm this but I know its truth. Years rife with struggle and disappointments. This, at the very least, puts the ravenous beast within my heart to rest. I do not hate you all.

maybe it is my fault that I am in this position; i actually do not know what i am in control of or what i am not in control of.

All I know is this:

This is 14th street, union square.

I

As you exit please be careful of the gap between platform and the train.

am looking

Transfer is available to the six, L, N, Q, R, and W train.

for something

The next stop is Grand Central, 42nd street.

to eat.

Stand clear of the closing doors please.

Ding dong

Screeching

thunk thunk, thunk thunk