Opaque AI
I am quite intrigued by the hot, new startup Opaque AI, which is valued at a staggering 1 trillion USD. Since its inception in summer 2024, its founders have spent 286 billion USD on paradigm-shifting, wheel re-inventing technology that optimizes all facets of life. Opaque AI’s most impressive tech innovation comes from their predictive algorithm, Oedipus, which is slated to replace the entire market cap in law, tech, healthcare, and finance by early 2026.
Opaque AI recently released Oedipus’s decision-making capabilities for ambiguous human problems to the public. Now, for the monthly membership fee of $5,000; or $50,000 charged annually; United States (early access) citizens are delivered answers before they even begin formulating questions.
As a tech blogger/influencer (11.2 million followers across all platforms / 500+ mil views), I was granted early access to the early access (i.e., early-early access). Thus, I thought it important to lay down the red carpet, as it were, before the world is swept away by this revolutionary technology.
You must surgically implant an Opaque AI chip in between the right and left hemispheres of your brain in order for Oedipus to work. It intercepts your brain activity and ingests it into the cloud for processing. In combination with real time data insights, early adopters are granted exclusive access to the full gamut of features Oedipus offers. All of this, I’m told, is outlined within the user agreement, which, candidly, I only skimmed (for the accept button). Once total access to the contents of your brain, past and present, is granted, then the benefits of Oedipus can be fully realized.
I recommend paying for the premium plan and enabling full functionality to Oedipus. What I love most is that I can trust its recommendation engine completely because of the quality of data it has access to. Not only does it have insight into my complete profile, it also contains the corpus of human history. The breadth and depth of information allows me to always make the best decisions possible. I now, most assuredly, can never be wrong.
As an example, I found myself in the West Village last weekend. Oedipus, unprompted, put augmented reality (AR) arrows directly into my line of vision, which took me to my destination. I did not have to consider what I should do last Saturday because Oedipus already knew my innermost desires. Thus, all I had to do was follow the arrow. Consciously, I did not know where I was going, but I did know that it was where I needed to be.
At work, Oedipus generates scripts during meetings that I can read with AR vision. My manager is consistently impressed at my quick recall of company facts and the fluidity of industry jargon I readily employ.
At home, Oedipus instructs me where to sit and how to breathe, optimizing my oxygen levels. Once I am in position, short form video content is played in rapid succession, all of which I find extremely humorous. I am not sure how much time passes, hours filled with bellowing laughter, but eventually I am instructed to stand up and walk to my front door. At the open door, I meet a delivery man who has brought me my dinner. “Thanks,” I say, wondering what I am eating tonight.
It appears to be a futuristic amalgamation of multiple food groups, resulting in a proprietary pink slime, produced by Opaque Foods, that is meant to be eaten cold with a spoon; all necessary vitamins and minerals are artificially injected in the exact right quantities for my (Oedipus determined) health objectives. Delicious!
I did not realize how good food can be. I sit down with my dinner, alone, and I am again served infinite video content, specifically catered to my preferences, laughing until I cry.
Ultimately, I would not be able to achieve my goals without Oedipus. Admittedly, these goals are hazy; nevertheless, Oedipus assures me that I am on track to achieve them.
I can honestly say that since installing Oedipus, I could not be happier. I am constantly engaged and never bored: I am healthier, more intelligent, more connected, achieving more in my career, the envy of all.
I always have a smile on my face.
I never notice the time passing by.